


This Isn't Funny

by GracieHoltzbertTrash715



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-20 20:45:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18131897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GracieHoltzbertTrash715/pseuds/GracieHoltzbertTrash715
Summary: A bad Riverdale comedy written at 3AM. Leave me alone.





	This Isn't Funny

**A/N: Hey, guys. This is just a little one shot of humor. Emma gave me the idea when she was sending one of our group chats funny messages about when the Joneses move in to the Cooper/Smith house. Full credit to her. She’s @falicesfate on Twitter and @ovislyfalice on Instagram. Hope this makes you laugh. It will obviously have out of character moments, because I’m making it a comedy, but I will try to keep all responses a true to the characters from the show as possible. Note: This is supposed to be as stupid as possible. I apologize. {Insert crying laughing emoji here}**

 

* * *

 

 

“Mom?.....Mom!” Betty tried to get her mother’s attention as she was clearly in a daze. “Earth to Alice?” She snapped her fingers in front of Alice’s face, but still no response.

Betty looked around the room. This place was quite familiar to her, though everything was a bit different and even had more of a creepy vibe than it did when it was owned by the Nuns from Hell. Betty didn’t think it was even possible to make the Sisters of Quiet Mercy seem like great interior decorators until she and her mother moved into the same building with the “Farm.” Though that was now the stupidest name she’d ever heard. The only thing that had ever been “farmed” there was Fizzle Rocks.

 _“The Farm? Please!”_ Betty thought to herself. _“Where are all the animals?”_ She joked. Right then, her mother, whom had still not snapped out of her deep meditation, took in a deep breath and let out the longest mediation hum Betty had ever heard. _“Oh….Well, there’s the cow mooing.”_ She chuckled, not even meaning to do it out loud and Alice, with her eyes still closed, shushed Betty.

“Shhhhhhhhhh!”

That sound, too, went on forever and Betty literally stared at her mother, waiting for the shushing to end. _“Okay, scratch that. Mom’s the snake on this farm.”_ Suddenly the door opened and Polly stepped in with the twins on each arm and Betty looked up at her older sister. Both twins were babbling on with baby nonsense and Elizabeth chuckled to herself again. _“There are the little ducks that don’t stop quacking.”_

“Betty, why aren’t you doing your afternoon meditation with Mom? yOU kNoW hOW iMPorTanT iT iS tO stAy zEN iN tHis pLaCE.” Polly pointed out, looking down at Betty kneeling next to Alice on the floor.

 _“There’s the gobbling turkey.”_ Betty faked a smile. “I already finished. I guess Mom is just so caught up in it, she hasn’t snapped out of it yet. Maybe this will help.” She picked up the little porcelain bowl on the floor in front of Alice that had a bundle of burning sage in it and she placed it directly under Alice’s nose at the precise moment Alice took in a very deep breath, causing her to deeply inhale a lungful of smoke and Alice burst out, violently coughing.

“Elizabeth!” Alice choked out, waving a hand in front of her face.

Betty’s smile grew two times too big and she smiled up at Polly. “There. All better.” She grinned deviously as Polly glared at her.

“What’s going on in here?” Evelyn came in at the sound of Alice still hacking. “Shall I get my father, Alice?”

 _“And in comes the rat.”_ Betty thought to herself and she slapped Alice right on the back just once. “Nope. She’s all better, Evelyn. Thanks.” She sent the redhead a conniving grin. “Run along now and feed all your chickens the trash you picked up on your way here.”

The chickens, of course, were the other members of the farm, running around unaware of how blind they were to the real things going on at the Farm. The trash referred to the bullsh*t that came out of Evelyn’s mouth everyday, fed to her by her father, the rat king who gave his princess more and more trash to spread around the farm.

Betty didn’t care that Polly, Alice, and Evelyn had no clue what she meant by that. The only other person who knew about Betty’s comparisons of the “Farm” people to actual farm animals was Jughead, whom she swore would’ve been the pig here, and he was otherwise engaged at the moment….moving into her old bedroom.

 

* * *

 

“Damn. Now, would you just look at this kitchen.” Gladys Jones said while nodding, walking around the ex-Cooper, now-Jones kitchen on Elm Street. She opened the fridge, her smile turning to a frown when she saw how empty it was. “Right.” She slammed it closed. “JB, remind me to go buy us all some beers later. Fridge is empty.”

FP and Jughead immediately squinted at her. “Beers?” They both said together.

“We’ll need actual food.” Jughead pointed out.

“Jellybean is only twelve, she hasn’t been drinking beer, has she?” FP immediately asked.

Gladys and JB looked at each other for a bit before scoffing and rolling their eyes. “No.” Clearly a lie, but for some reason...FP was being a typical man and not really catching the suspicious behavior here. Jug, however, saw right through it because for some even dumber reason, he thought he was Sherlock Holmes and that Betty was his Dr. Watson. Which is funny because Betty swears she’s Nancy Drew. So that just leaves all of us questioning their relationship. Doesn’t that make Sherlock Holmes a pedophile? Or maybe it tells us that Nancy Drew has a Daddy kink. But no….Betty doesn’t have a Daddy kink. We all know who does though……(Psst….Veronica.)

Anyway, skip ahead, skip ahead. Boom. It’s magically night time and Jughead just got home with actual groceries. No beer even involved. Much to Gladys’ chagrin who gave both men of the house the middle finger like a child when they weren’t looking and JB stood in the corner trying not to laugh.

The funniest thing about all of this….was that even though Gladys made Jughead breakfast a week prior….she had completely forgotten how to cook any other meal after living in Toledo. She had the children of the corn cooking all that for her up there like a bunch of her flying monkeys. Great thing it wasn’t summer yet, or else the Wicked Witch of the West’s green skin would be in danger. Little did the people of Riverdale know that the real reason Gladys needed to move back to Riverdale was because it rained too much in Toledo….and we all know what happens to the Wicked Witch when she’s wet…………

She turns into the Biggest Bitch cause she’s not getting “the D” anymore.

So long (random ass) story short….Gladys moved back cause she was only surrounded by underage teens and she needed to bang someone. Soon!

Anyway….back on topic, Gladys was reading a cookbook that FP owned, which told her she had to preheat the oven.

“What the hell?” Gladys said, trying to turn the oven on and failing. It was a bit tricky actually. Something fancy that Alice and Hal had bought years ago for that house. Something the Joneses shouldn’t know how to use considering they were so used to the stoves in the trailer park on the Southside. “Jughead, you date that little Betsy girl who lived here, right?”

“Uh...Betty. Yeah. Why?” Jug responded.

“How do you turn this on?” His mother asked.

“How am I supposed to know?”

“Aren’t you Jughead?...The one who’s always here…..The one who’s always eating…..The one from the comic books who wears that silly hat all the time? Which….by the way, where is that hat?” Suddenly it magically appeared onto Jug’s head. “Oh...there it is.” The Wicked Witch said. No!!! Did I say Wicked Witch? I mean Biggest Bitch, cause at this point...FP still hasn’t given it up to her. Not after he’s been with Alice. Hah! “That’s weird.” Gladys said, quickly ignoring the hat situation. “Anyway….out of everyone in this house….you should be the one who knows how to work this thing.”

FP had been putting up some empty picture frames somewhere, because they say you should decorate your home with the feel of your family and at this point, they had a pretty empty family, so he literally hung up picture frames with nothing in them, thinking nothing of it, cause let’s be honest, the author of this fanfic must be doing some strong Fizzle Rocks at this point. Don’t even ask.

When FP stepped into the kitchen, he didn’t even look up at his wife, who was still struggling with the oven, as he said, “First, you gotta turn the dial to the left and then the right and then the left again, then it’ll turn on.” He grabbed the hammer and some more nails and left.

“Haha! Sure, FP. Like YOU would know.” Gladys tried what he said just to humor him and herself and the oven turned right on, because, lol, FP has been in this house multiple times with Alice and he has made breakfast for her there. So he knows. “How the hell-?” Gladys began to ask, wondering how FP knew how to work this particular appliance in this particular house. But she brushed it off, not really caring in all honesty.

 

* * *

 

Polly, Alice, and Evelyn were forced to ignore what Betty said about Evelyn being trash or having trash or speaking trash or whatever, (truthfully it’s all three so who knows), when Kevin came into the room and Alice was still clearing her throat from all the sage she’d inhaled.

“Party in the Smith/Cooper room?” Kev asked.

“Kevin, what are you doing here? You should be at home with your new family. Getting to know your new mom, Mayor McCoy.” Betty said, finally standing up.

“Her first name is Sierra, not Mayor, and she hasn’t even been the mayor for almost a full year now, Betsy.” Kevin said.

“Betty.” Polly corrected him.

Kevin stared at Elizabeth. “Hey, your sister wants you.”

“Kevin, you know my name. We’ve been best friends since Kindergarten.” Betty said with a hint of attitude and annoyance.

“Why would you call her Betsy?” Evelyn asked him as if it was a huge deal.

“I don’t know….for some reason I heard Mrs. Jones calling her that in my head, so it slipped out. Don’t rat on me to your dad about that.” Kevin joked and laughed at himself, causing Betty to literally cringe, almost having another one of those seizures right then and there.

“Kevin, that’s not funny.” Evelyn said seriously.

Kevin’s whole mood instantly changed. “You’re right. I apologize.”

“Go do your afternoon meditation….Now.” Evelyn demanded and Kevin nodded, turning and leaving, confirming to Betty that Kevin was the sheep on the Farm. The follower and the push over.

“Anyway...I think I’m gonna go shower.” Betsy, I mean Betty, said. “I smell like sage.”

“Sage?” Evelyn said.

“Yeah, to banish-” Alice began to talk but her voice was very hoarse and smoker-like after inhaling all that sage smoke. She coughed before being able to continue. “To banish the evil spirits in here.” She began to hack again.

Suddenly Bettunia, or whatever her name is, burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Polygraph asked, the twins suddenly gaining five years and standing by her side at the height of her thigh.

“Mom is using the sage to banish evil spirits and SHE’S coughing.” The blonde teen kept laughing.

“That’s funny, because????” Evil Lynn asked.

“Because the sage is clearly trying to get rid of whatever evil spirit you’ve possessed her with. And it’s just ironic, because she was trying to use it to protect us from getting hurt and turns out this is all hurting HER and us.”

“Who is us?” Juniper and Dagwood asked in a monotone like two creepy twins from The Shining, cause….they’re like grown now suddenly.

Betty just looked at them like this was the stupidest fanfic she’s ever been in and left to take her shower as the sage scent all over her began to make Polly, Evelyn, and the twins cough and hack as well while she walked by cause, get it? They have evil spirits too being in this Farm Cult thing.

 

* * *

 

FP walked by the bathroom, reading an instruction book on how to build a baby crib for literally no reason at all and he yelled into the bathroom while walking by it. “Gladys, you have to wiggle the knob on the shower a little to the left if you want warm water.”

“It says to the right-” Suddenly Gladys shouted multiple curse words because turning it to the right made the shower water freezing cold.

“Told you.” FP said, still reading and walking by.

Gladys quickly turned the knob to the left like her husband said and it worked. “How did he know that?” She mumbled to herself. “FP, HOW THE FU-”

 

* * *

 

Later on that night, Betty was sitting around the Farm campfire with everyone cause they convinced her that there would be no weird rituals tonight. LOL PSYCH!

“Hello, ladies and gentleman.” Evelyn smiled, the only one outside, standing. “We are gathered here today to celebrate an unholy….I mean a HOLY matrimony.”

“Someone’s getting married?” Betty asked, looking around, still being the only sane person, as usual. “Who?”

“Betty.” Evelyn chuckled. “Satan and I, of course.”

“Whoa, whoa. What?!” Betty asked. “No way are the CAOS fans gonna allow YOU to become Madam Satan over Mary Wardwell.”

“Well...It’s happening.” Evelyn said with a big grin. “And when it does….he and I are gonna have several adorable little babies that look just like that cute little redheaded doll.”

“Chucky?” Betty snorted.

“No.” Evelyn glared at her. “Raggedy Ann.” Her voice sounded low and demonic suddenly.

“Oh, right.” Betty said seriously, sitting up straight and trying not to burst out laughing.

“Anyway….” Evelyn’s voice was back to normal and actually higher than normal in a flirtatious tone. “...I can’t wait to lose my innocence to him.”

Betty was truly about to lose it and she mumbled to herself so only she and Alice, who was sitting beside her, could hear. “She’s gonna have sex with him?” Betty scoffed.

Suddenly, Alice snapped out of the daze the Farm had her in. “What did you say, Betsy?”

“BETTY!” Her daughter shouted though the other Farmies didn’t hear it at all for some weird reason.

“Fine, fine. Betty. Whatever. Stop changing your name.” Alice rolled her eyes. “What did you just say? You said Gladys was going to have sex with FP?”

“What?! I’ve never even mentioned either of them, Mom. What the f-”

“We have to stop them.” Alice quickly stood up. ~~“Not in my f***ing house~~!” She grabbed Betty’s hand to pull her away from the campfire.

“Stop!” Evelyn’s voice was deep and creepy again.

Alice rolled her eyes and turned. Then Betty rolled her eyes and turned almost copying her mother exactly. “Can I help you?” Alice asked, straightening her posture and asking it in her Northside annoying motherly tone.

“You must stay!” Evelyn tried to demand with scary horror film magic powers which usually worked on all the Farmies as long as they were still brainwashed.

It didn’t work on Alice. She was too focused on getting rid of Gladys. Lol.

“Ain’t nobody got time for this plotline. I gotta go! Hippie Alice out, moher f***ers!” She grabbed Betty’s hand again and turned away, leaving the Farm forever.

The Farmies all just sat there and Polly stared after them. “I gotta find out how she adds the ***s into her lines.” She stood. “Mom, wait up! Teach me how to-” She ran after them, ignoring all of Evil Lynn’s orders as well and also leaving for good.

The twins, who had been floating over the fire the whole time, flew after them, doing the same.

 

* * *

 

“Wait. Stop.” FP told Glynnys (or Gladys, what’s her name)? “I can’t do this right now.”

His wife stopped unbuttoning his shirt. “Come on, why not? You heard the beginning of this fanfic….I need the D. You’ve been putting it off since I came into town. Just give it to me.”

FP sighed. “I will. I’m a man. But first...I just need to finish unpacking or that’ll be on my mind all night and I don’t wanna have sex while I’m thinking about the attic.”

“Since when do YOU care about being tidy?” Gladys asked.

“Since now, when the author said I do.” Forsythe or Forceps (or whatever kinda name he has) responded.

“Fair enough. Fine. Let’s go unpack the boxes that are in the attic.” Mrs. Jones….I mean the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. Jones said and they got up, going the the attic door in the ceiling by the stairs. Kinda like the one in the movie Christmas Vacation. You know, the National Lampoon’s one. Not to be confused with Vegas Vacation, the very first movie Veronica Lodge’s mother was ever in. Anyway….they go to the attic and Gladys is a woman’s woman, so she, of course, wants to open it herself and she reaches up for the string, trying to pull open the attic door, but failing.

FP sighed and opened his mouth.

“FP, I swear to god, if you know how to open th-”

“You have to pull on the string to the attic hard or else you’ll just leave it stuck in one place and the attic door won’t open.” Finger-Pointing Jones said before she could finish.

“LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE-”

Before Gladys could ask him, yet again, how he knew so much about this house they had recently moved into, she was interrupted by Alice and Betty running up the stairs.

“FP, I had your baby!” Alice said immediately.

“The fu-” Gladys started but was interrupted.

“Do you remember, FP? In high school?” Alice continued.

“Alice...we’ve done this.” FP said. “In episode 2x19.”

“Oh….Right. Then why did you say you were only staying with Glad Tits cause she mothered your children?.....I did too.”

“Glad Tits??” Gladys said and smiled. “I kinda like it.” She proudly looked down at her revealing shirt, standing more confidently.

“Guess the TV show writers kinda forgot. Sorry, Ali.” FP said.

“Awwww….he called you Ali.” A random fan said from inside the suddenly open attic above.

“Who are you? How’d you get into the attic?” Betty wondered, looking up at the fan who was peeping through the attic door in the ceiling.

“How’d you open the attic?” Gladys asked, getting paranoid about FP knowing everything about the house and wanting him to be wrong for once.

“I love you, Alice.” FP finally admitted after 26 years because FP is 43 NOT 50, like the TV show writers said cause they can’t do math.

“I love you too, FP.” Alice smiled the biggest smile that we all need and deserve.

Suddenly her stupid Farmie clothes turned into her badass Serpent Alice clothes and she and FP made out and everyone, including Gladys and the random fan and suddenly Polly and the twins who like to just randomly show up when they feel like it as well as Penny Peabody who was just suddenly there all said “Awwwwwww.”

The End.

 

* * *

 

**A/N: That turned out way crazier than I was expecting but it’s almost 3AM and I’m clearly delirious and just laughing at myself right now. I hope you guys found at least SOME of it funny and I hope I didn’t offend anyone, this was literally just supposed to be the dumbest thing you’ve ever read. Idek anymore. Lmfao**

LEAVE COMMENTS AND REVIEWS PLEASE!


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